I got the call about Natalie being taken to the hospital.....never in a million 
years did I think my life and the life of my family was about to be changed 
forever. I thought we were finally going to find out why this poor little one 
was so so sick all of her life.. I prayed on the way to the hospital that there 
would be answers and solutions.......

 I arrived looking for Jason since it was he who had tried to save her...I knew he must be so hurt or scared. I was told he was taken to the county jail, not sure why at that point and had assumed it was standard procedure. 
I decided to go see Natalie first.
When I walked into the room my heart broke. It was clear to me she was gone.
I went to her bedside and prayed and cried out to God.. I knew if she were 
to be ok it would be done by my God. I prayed that if it were HIS will to 
bring her back to us that HE could and would and if it wasn't then HE would 
also be there for everyone of us left behind..... as I sat there  holding her 
hand and praying I knew who was in charge,who had her life in HIS hands 
and in that place I did have a peace beyond understanding..... then it hit.....she 
IS gone......she isnt coming back and I screamed ,sobbed fell to the floor..... 
my daughter picked me up and led me away...... It is all such a blur....but there 
are moments in that time that are seared into my heart and soul........the times 
of unbelief,sadness,peace,fear and then there is anger..angry for this 
precious baby who never recieved the care she needed...

I thanked the Lord for her and knew  she would suffer no more.she would be with HIM and she will be dancing on the streets of gold ,never to suffer again AND we will 
meet again someday. 

There were many people there , all in shock and disbelief as to what happened. 

None of us knew what to do or say to eachother. 
Rumors were starting to fly....things were assumed and things were ignored. 
Doctors, nurses all coming in and out, then the detectives showed up. We all went through questioning , I remember thinking,the truth is what will set my son free, the truth is what we stand on...... it did not happen,  we all told the truth to what we knew,who Jason was,how Jason was, how much he loved this little one. 

I never had one thought as to,  I better watch what I say or how I say 
it........never. I was taught that you can trust the police,the doctors,the system. 
I know now, that this isn't always true.... I hate that the most . My trust is 
broken for everyone and everything now.... I do have trust in the Lord and am 
grateful...that is the ONLY place I trust.....

It was a swirl of  emotions and thoughts, the worst kind,everything 
unknown,everyone was hurt and scared and suffering. How does one make 
sense of that?.....you can't , you just get through it......you comfort those who 
need it and they comfort you when you need it...

The main doctor came in to tell us that Natalie had been shaken.... and that 
Jason had done it....... WHAT? HOW ? WHY? WHEN? WHAT? all of those go 
through your thoughts....you realize the situation is rampantly out of 
control now...... 
I did my best to remain calm and faced the doctor and said , 
ok, so you think MY son shook this poor baby? and for now I will let you have 
that, just please find out for me what was wrong with her. Her entire life was 
spent sick and suffering . 
He turned to me and said, well now  , that doesn't really matter now does it ! 
Unreal. I said YES it matters, it means everything 
to us.......We cared for her,we had her almost every night until the last 2 weeks 
of her life.......WE loved her. WE need to know what was wrong ! He turned and walked away.......never to talk with me again,directly... I turned to the mother and said.......are YOU going to let that go? She said.....I don't know what to do. I said, you find out what was wrong with her......what has happened . I pleaded with her to speak up...

I decided to go see Jason, we had been told he was in county jail being 
interviewed about what happened. My daughter and her husband took me over 
to the jail .. we tried everything we could to see Jason,finally being told there 
would be no visitation with him.  My heart broke yet again, no access to MY 
son? Why not? 


He is hurting,scared and he wants to see his baby girl ! 

I could not understand,he wasn't charged with anything yet.... and I really truly 
didn't think he would be  and decided to head back to the hospital.. 


It was full blown chaos by the time we returned, we saw the mom being lead into the 
elevator with the detectives.......she looked at me ..... she ran to me and hugged 
me and told me she was scared, we were all scared........NOONE did anything 
to Natalie......we learned much later she suffered with
  Hydrocephalus.......she died as a result of a fall and her condition. Why did someone have to be blamed?


She was taken to the jail and put in a room with Jason I was told, their 
convesation being taped, I thought it meant they were trying to find out if she 
had anything to do with it.......come to find out later it was to find out what 
they thought was the truth and she could help get that from Jason.. Jason was 
interviewed for hours and he just kept saying, I didn't do anything . I  tried to save her ! I want to see my daughter! 


They lied to him over and over,told him he could see her later......he was never allowed to see her again.

I can't imagine the pain of that. We got to hold her. Say goodbye Kiss her,let 
her go in peace and know she was not suffering anymore and there was no 
way to let Jason know she was gone. I am sure the police let him know.......just 
not sure how they did that.......that is one of the toughest things for me as his 
mom.....no comforting him,no letting him cry his heart out ......no anything .

Back at the hospital.... everyone walking around in shock...rumors 
flying....accusations being made. whispers , silence when you walk into the 
room... angry looks,angry words.hurt people.

I will say,the nurses were kind, how do they deal with this everyday,how 
awful to see little babies suffer so.....and to think they were told MY son did 
this, and yet they were kind to us,I am thankful for that....I wish I could say 
the same about the head doctor.... I found him to be hard and cold......not open 
to anything other than what he thought or said....... I argued with him to no 
avail.....and didnt plan on stopping that argument
He needed to do more.not just say "Shaken " and let it go. 

I wanted to know what was wrong for 5 1/2 months......even IF Jason did what they said he did.... I wanted to KNOW. 
Natalie deserved more that this !
We found out that the mother was releasing Natalie's organs the following 
day...... I protested. I asked her to rethink this decision! Let me tell you first, first off , I am all for organ donation, I am a donor myself..... but we still did not have answers as to why Natalie was so sick for so long and I felt we needed  everything to find that out ,even after the fact..AND,who was getting these organs.From such a sick baby? ......there is that trust issue again. I did trust that everyone wanted to know the truth , they didnt.

It came down to the moment  of saying Natalie was officially gone....... 
unreal....unbelieving.....so much happening. So many lies,so many times things 
ignored! Would her life be in vain? Why wasn't anyone asking,  What had been wrong with her all her life? Granted, our family had her most of the time in those last days,she didnt seem to have contact with the moms family very 
often..... but still.....dont you want to know why? Doesnt Natalie deserve us all to know why? 

The official meeting was going to happen.to call her death and decide what to 
do next....I asked to be a part of it. The mother agreed......the rest of her 
family wasn't to happy about that......that didnt matter to me. I wanted to speak for Natalie . 
I wanted to KNOW why she had been so sick.....
We all sat down....I was given looks I prayed the lord would remove from my 
brain..I thought the truth could still come out ,in this room with everyone 
there......it didnt!

They talked about the cause of death.the organ donation......the end... 
I asked the mother if she would help find out why Natalie was so sick for so long....
She turned to me and said , but she was better this week....WHAT? NO, she 
wasn't.......dead silence....horrible looks given...me..still shocked in that,  I seemed to be the ONLY one in that room, that wanted to know ! 

The end....all decided, all get up to go...organs donated, doctor happy , family 
struggling , people hurt....... is there hope now? of EVER  finding out the truth.....
My hope is in the Lord ! It is never ending......I will hope until I meet 
him ,for the truth...for Natalie .for my precious son !

We all then took turns saying good bye to sweet little Natalie....holding 
hands. kissing,  praying and comforting eachother.
I wanted the truth. TRUTH....anyone else remember how important this is? The TRUTH  will set you free, we have all heard that... it doesn't always look like it here on earth.
 I have been set free........God is good......now to set my son free.

Hugs, tears, prayer, shock, disbelief, comfort, anger, rage, sorrow , tears...... for 

hours,for days,for years now.
 
 


 Our precious Natalie was born on Aug 31st 2008...born to my oldest son Jason. She was dark haired and bright eyed. He cherished her from the beginning. The circumstances of her birth and life were not the best yet we were so happy to have her in our family. She did struggle from her birth with the inability to keep her formula down and it caused  many problems for her.She would projectile vomit almost every feeding.  She never seemed to be relaxed ,always stiff and always crying in discomfort....we all watched helplessly as the circumstances were such that none of us could take her to doctor.  Jason and the mother were not married and Jason was not "legally" the father. Natalie was never seen by a physician after her birth. Not once...she never received vaccinations or well baby check ups. We all, (Jason's family)  cared for her and loved her as we could. Jason was in her life in the beginning and the end.....she lived a short 5 1/2 months and he did the best he could to be there....during the last month of her life he was the main caregiver for her as well as his family. She was so sick by then and we took turns trying to help. She suffered with stomach issues,pain, and lack of sleep. She did not like to be cuddled, I believe because she was hurting. Jason and the mother had an off and on relationship and it took its toll on our ability to care for Natalie. He would bring her by almost daily in those last weeks,just so he could know she was being watched and he could get some sleep. He was also looking for work and lived with us for a few weeks,at the time also having Natalie most days while the mother worked, It was mixed blessing because at the time Jason's sister,whom he lived with was due to have a baby and when she did ,it turns out she had colic and so Jason was forced to move out and so our time with Natalie greatly decreased, it was hard on all of us. Contact with the mother was off and on, but we managed between the 4 of us to keep in contact and have Natalie as much as we could. We all remained alarmed at the suffering Natalie went through and Jason seemed helpless to do anything since the mother did not seem to listen to our advice .. A completely horrid situation for all of us. 
Natalie was living with Jason and the mother for the last 2 weeks of her life. She was just starting to roll over and at 5 months old it seemed she was progressing slowly compared to other babies that age. Her head size was always a concern for us,as it seemed to enlarge as she grew. Nothing anyone could pinpoint or name but it was of great concern as she seemed to always hold her head to one side and was stiff in her movements. In hindsight we would all grab her up and take her to emergency room and make them help....Hindsight is 20/20 they say. I hope anyone reading this will be helped by that fact and act no matter how uncomfortable it will be for those around you. 
 About 3 days before we lost Natalie ,she had rolled off a bed in the travel trailer in which they were living behind a great  aunts home, she hit her head on a portable heater on the floor before landing on the floor,she was bruised but to those there ,seemed to be okay . Jason's sister was asked to babysit her the following night and she was extremely alarmed at how big Natalie's head had become and admonished them to take her in. Natalie was not the same after that and when Jason and the mother visited us on the following Tues,she had not been seen and both Jason and the mother seemed to think she was actually feeling better because she was not nearly as fussy. We all held her and suggested the mother take her to the hospital as Natalie seemed limp and too quiet.No bruises were abvious to us at the time,we just knew something was gravely wrong with her as she was never what you would consider a "happy" baby and she was not crying or cooing ,she would just lay there,her eyes seemed clear when I looked into them,no gazing and she looked right at me,but there was not much of a response. We tried to enjoy the visit as it was and after they left we all considered forcing the issue of taking her in,we did not to our regret. Later that very afternoon we got the call. Natalie had been taken to the emergency room, an ambulance had been called. My first thought in hearing this was FINALLY ,we will find out why she has been so sick ! Jason was home with her , both sleeping and he was awakened by her cries and when he got to her ,she had vomited and was in convulsions. He grabbed her up and ran into the house on the property and he and the great aunt did everything they could to bring her back,mouth to mouth,and prayer.... The ambulance and police arrived together and Natalie was wisked off to the hospital. Jason was put into the squad car,told he could go see her when they figured out what was going on. They lied. He never got to see or hold her again. By the time we all arrived at the hospital Jason was in jail,being held on charges of shaking his precious Natalie... so the horrid story begins......